Mitch’s Cynical View

Christmas-

The seasonal holidays are almost upon us, and the cheer is spreading… or at least the lack there of. Such great joys, as my inability to get to work, find a parking space, horrible music playing on nearly every radio station, and an insurgent rush of people trying to snatch up the last of whatever it is their 12-year-old needs to hold on to that dwindling thread that Santa may still exist.

All in all, there can be some positive to come from the holiday season, but whatever that is I’ve yet to discover it yet. Spending time with loved ones, and wading water in the sea of commercialism that Christmas embodies can be very taxing upon a normal person, which is the very reason so many people drink around this time of year. Let’s be honest, you were looking for an excuse to start again anyway lush. Egg nog and rum, wine, champagne, or straight shots of whiskey everybody’s rushing for some method of taking the edge off. Then, just as you don’t mind anymore, and return to your laid back mood, the gentle melody of holy night echoes through my mind, and suddenly I return to that black place devoid of compassion which instantly reminds me of why I have such a distaste for this time of year.

Maybe I should have been jewish…

In national news, the Hollywood script-writers have gone on strike. Hopefully everyone likes reruns, because it could be weeks… dare I even say months until we find out what happens when a beautiful lesbian emergency room doctor who suffers from retroactive amnesia falls in love with a CIA agent who is an ultra straight evangelical unwed single father of cloned test-tube babies (cue the dramatic soap opera music here Dwayne). In an effort to attain, god forbid, decent wages and benefits, these heartless bastards have robbed us of our nightly television goodness, and dammit that’s just not right!

Also for you morbidly obese citizens prepare that disgusting looking feeding tube or IV on the side of your bed because Jones Soda is releasing a new set of flavors specifically for the Christmas season, and one of those is none other then… all together now… ham, wait… seriously? Now, I enjoy a good ham dinner, I do, but for some unknown reason having that same meal melt into a carbonated beverage for joyful consumption has not been a thought particularly present in my mind. Don’t you worry my jewish friends, the unorthodox soda company has announced that its Christmas line is 100% kosher, meaning you don’t need to be Christian to enjoy the astounding flavors of my good friend Jesus’ birthday. Other flavors included in this pack include Sugar Plum, Egg Nog, and Christmas Tree, because lets just face it; on a brisk winter morning there is nothing better than a mouthful of liquefied pine. It smells fantastic in air freshener form, so why wouldn’t it taste just as astounding as a soda? There will also be a Hanukkah pack for further milking of the holiday teet. Flavors in this pack will include jelly dough nut, apple sauce, chocolate coins, and latkes (not even quite sure what that is)… Exciting!

So, that about wraps up this weeks column. It will be the first of many to come, and will be slated for Tuesday (if I can somehow manage to stay motivated to write one every week). They will get longer, I promise. As it will not be a last minute idea slapped together in a few minutes as this one was. Hope you enjoyed it, and until next time remember I’m pullin for ya, we’re all in this together.

- Mitch West

Sippin on a goblet, and puffin on a spliff.

It’s all som amazingly simple when your mind is set free by molecular structures tht control the world and make you question reality and replace it with your heads leftovers from the last big family gathering when you and all your cousins were there and you felt like you were nowehre else for an eternity while you try to wait for the restroom because you want your turn more quicklyre but there is nothing the gingerbread house cant do thatr you can do man, trustme this is the way the woprld works. and when itsx all crysta;l in the coild while your moms fridnes question your life and faith in the ant pile’s integrity while you try not to litter because you will end up living ina small shack that goes nowehre fast next to the sandiwhc shop while ineed to stop doing this I know that i like it but i cant do it so i will do it more and more snd morew and more til i need a face transplant for the better good of the world and all its little friends on the ship of life thet we call whatever the fuck ever we want to call it, man, for real.

thjis is not a dream take it for what it is and enjoy the lasting effects and thank me for the wonderful smell later, you are too busy with sponge shopping for your little consumer sopnges that you call kids. enought ads with little kids playing with these shiutty toys that nobody would ever buy because they are nmpot consumer whoires and they dont need to have their face removed because everyone lovex their magnifecent fdace.

now I will leave tou with the word pie. if you dont like and and/or you like cake better, you should not be allowd to eat food ever again as long as you are a living organsim upon this planey we call earth.

drugxz r bad kidxs.

- P┴ul

Fuck Greg

There’s nothing I’d rather do at 5 o’clock after a hard day at work than sit in my favorite chair, put my feet up, have a beer and watch T.V. It’s so relaxing to be able to unwind after a long day at the office, and it’s really what keeps me from going wacko in this repetitive life we all share.

But wait, what the fuck is this. I can’t get home because I’m stuck in fucking traffic and this asshole isn’t letting me merge! Sure we’ve all experienced the conundrum that is rush hour traffic, and sure we’ve all gotten upset from dip-shit drivers who don’t know what a gas pedal is, but what’s the cause of these jams? If one ever thought about it, and I’m sure most have, one would more than likely come to the conclusion that the slow downs are simply caused by the large amount of vehicles occupying the freeway/highway at once. Now, this may be part of the issue yes, but at the same time, technically speaking if the large amount of vehicles were all travelling at the posted speed limit we shouldn’t have to come to a near dead stop every five minutes. It has to start somewhere, like the front of a really long line at an amusement park there has to be a beginning.

Our country is filled with drivers who have no idea what they’re doing, old people who drive the minimum speed limit down the freeway, Asian people who swerve all over the damn road cause they don’t know how to move their seat back (or do, but for some reason like being plastered up against the steering wheel), soccer moms in mini vans driving way too fucking fast and recklessly so their kids can get to practice on time (someone should inform them that kids can’t play softball six feet under the ground), the rednecks with the huge trucks that will not let you merge or pass them if you have a vehicle even slightly smaller than theirs, sluts on their cellphones oblivious to the more than apparent fact that they are driving, and last but not least… Greg.

That’s right, Greg, this mother fucker is the cause of every single traffic jam in America. You’ve seen him, we’ve all seen him. He’s that nerdy looking bastard with the glasses that drives a Geo Metro because of the great gas mileage. Yeah, I hate this son of a bitch. Now, at this point, you may be wondering how can one person be causing all of the traffic jams in America, that’s impossible. Cause he’s a mother fucker, that’s how. This shredded, used up hymen lives solely for the purpose of making our daily commute hell so he can sit up there and girlishly laugh his ass off at us.

Unfortunately there is no way to end his menace, and it appears as though he is timeless. Just passing on his ways of doucheism to his next of kin as to pass the proverbial torch on to the next Greg. So, in response to this I say kudos to you Greg, you constantly make the simple daily task of driving to and from work a living hell, and there’s absolutely not a damn thing I can do about it. Kudos for filling my already chiseled heart with so much rage and hatred that I could snap a half retarded mimes neck. Kudos for making me hate you so much that I felt the need to make this completely unnecessary blog post about you…

Kudos Greg…

-Mitch West

It’s Late August Here in Minnesota

That’s right folks, break out the elastic band sweat pants cause it’s time for the Minnesota state fair. The glorious time of year where folks from all the neighboring states come to marvel at what a real state is like. Also the time of year where the lazy bastards that already live here come to stuff their fat fucking bulbous faces with cheese encrusted grease and artery clogging corn dogs. What do you have there young lad? A pickle you say, well nothing would make that somewhat nutritious food item better than dipping it in bubbling hot batter and shoving a stick up it. I love the state fair, I really do, where else can you walk down the street and constantly have to worry about stepping in a steaming pile of horse shit (excluding Iowa, because nobody cares about them anyway).

As if that weren’t enough you can go to the live evening news cast, and meet your favorite news anchors, all while operating your mouth like a vacuum cleaner over that half gallon bucket of chocolate chip cookies that you just bought. Lets go request a song at our favorite radio station so they can neglect it and secretly laugh at your horrendous taste in music. In short, it’s the wonderful dog days of summer where all of us Minnesotans come together to celebrate the transition into fall, and grow morbidly obese as to insulate ourselves for the upcoming cold weather (I figure it deserves some justification). So to all of you going to the fair, have fun, and enjoy!

- Mitch West

Resident Evil 5 IS racist

Now contrary to what my African-American counterpart may be trying to implant inside your brain, the game Resident Evil 5 should be pulled prior to even being released due to an overwhelming amount of racial slurs and the glorification of killing African civilians. It makes me sick to know there are people who would condone this sort of action. Don’t take it from Paul, he’s black, and what do black people know about oppression against their own race? It’s ignorant and stupid, and I for one will not stand for it! I’ll bet at least 79% of those zombies are credited under the name “Zombie Tyrone” in the credits, and what does that tell you? Not all black people are named Tyrone Capcom, in fact I know many black people and only half of them are named that. And another thing, why are all these Africans zombies in the first place? Brains can’t be bought with food stamps Capcom.

I want to clear one thing up, Capcom is just a follower in this trend of black-zombie racism, in George Romero’s “Land of the Dead” the so-called leader of the zombies is black, no issue there right? However, in this movie, the zombie leader learns to procure and operate a firearm. What the hell does that tell us, that just cause he’s black he’s gotta use a gun? Back in the day zombies just fucked people up by eating their brains, but now all of a sudden comes this African-American and he gets a gun. I call bullshit Romero. What’s next, a zombie wandering down the street muttering “Bbbrrraiiins nigga.”

I won’t stand for this, and believe me America I saw one video featuring footage from the actual game itself! Yes I know, this makes my point overwhelmingly valid, and you now feel the need to boycott this game that looks to set us back two-hundred years in black zombie equality. Think of the children, what are they to think by this gruesome action taken out against our African zombie brethren?

I for one will not stand for this injustice, and ask all of you out there to do the same. Boycott Resident Evil 5 in all of its forms and perhaps we will see a brighter tomorrow.

- Mitch West

Resident Evil 5 is NOT racist!

I don’t understand how the mind of a savagely ignorant person works. But I have a better idea now that I have read many newly published articles about how Capcom’s up coming game “Resident Evil 5″ is racist. It literally makes me sick to read these articles, the level of ignorance and stupidity is so high it frightens me. It frightens me that people like this are actually allowed to voice their opinions, and the sad thing is most of the mainstream media outlets are looking for a juicy story and bite into the **** sandwich offered up. The spreading of misinformation such as this needs to stop, or the lie will become the truth (like Mike once said).

Lets take a look at all the previous Resident Evil games. All of the Resident Evil games are extremely violent, and obviously should not be played by children, I think that much is obvious. And yet these “crusader against racism” continue to point out the “fact” that the Resident Evil games are being marketed to children, but that is a different argument for a different time. In the first Resident Evil game, you played as a police officer trapped in a mansion/laboratory infested with the former inhabitants who have turned into zombies. All the zombies in this game were white skinned, due to the fact that their zombification. But in the later Resident Evil games, the zombies’ skin tone started to change to a more human like tone. They looked like your average white person, but they were zombies so you had to kill them you they would kill you.

Then Resident Evil 4 came along, this game introduced a new type of enemy. They were still humanoid, but not zombies. They were normal humans infected with a mind altering parasite that drove them to kill. This game took place in rural Spain, therefor all of the enemies attacking you were Spaniards. Why didn’t I see articles protesting against Resident Evil 4’s racism? Strange isn’t it? But the fact of the matter is, Resident Evil 4 was not racist, they set the game in Spain for the sake of the ongoing story.

“The new Resident Evil video game depicts a white man in what appears to be Africa killing Black people. The Black people are supposed to be zombies and the white man’s job is to destroy them and save humanity. “I have a job to do and I’m gonna see it through.”

This is problematic on so many levels, including the depiction of Black people as inhuman savages, the killing of Black people by a white man in military clothing, and the fact that this video game is marketed to children and young adults. Start them young… fearing, hating, and destroying Black people.”

That quote was taken from this article
It is this kind of ignorance that scares me. People actually believe stupidity like this.

Why didn’t people complain about the Spanish zombies? or the White zombies?

This kind of ignorance needs to end, people need to research their facts before they spout out this sort of stupidity.

- Paul

Alright Bitches Listen Up

That’s right, we’re taking over. From Djibouti, Afghanistan, Latvia, or you fucks in Rhode Island (thought I’d forget about you didn’t you!?) we’re invading your homes, having our way with your women and drinking your beer.

The simple fact of the matter is that 98% of the American population is sorely misinformed by these media outlets such as the evening news and celebrity magazines. Luckily that’s where myself and Paul step in, see two badasses such as ourselves feel the need to give back to the community that we are so superior to out of pity. What does this result in you may be asking yourself? Well random blog subscriber (or reader, but why the fuck haven’t you subscribed yet?) I’m glad you’ve asked; you see we’re here to put our thoughts into text for those of you Americans fortunate enough to have been taught how to read before reaching the 11th grade, which is a rarity these days, to enjoy wholeheartedly.

We’re here to discuss the hard hitting issues, such as why drinking 2% milk makes you a terrorist, and why to not give a wombat coca-cola. You see we here at “Paul and Mitch Know More Than You” know that we know more than you, and plan to let you in on this fact as much as possible. You should feel honored that we have decided to grace you with just a fraction of our knowledge.

So sit back, relax, put your penis back in your pants, this is not one of those types of blogs…. unless that will help us get more readers, in which case we’ll talk; and enjoy our manuscripts from here until we exhale our final witty breath.

- Mitch West

Think back to the last time you felt content with anything in your life… Go ahead, think it up. Thats what I thought, your life is most likely an empty dark pit. You most likely spend most of your time wallowing in a pool of self pity, until today. Anything you have ever wondered about in the world ever, you can find a definite answer here. We will take what you know, smother it in hot sauce, eat it, and shit it out. You will take that shit and replace your brain with it, that is how worthless your brain is, and how amazingly valuable our shit is. Take it for what its worth.

We will blow your mind, then reassemble it, and then proceed to blow it again. Your mind will be so numb to blowing’s, that we will discover a new level of mind blowing. Never a dull moment when you are with Paul and Mitch.

Now, being as lazy as I am I am going to stop writing because I don’t know what else to write, so fuck you and good night.

- Paul